How to Get an Elderly Parent to Accept Help with Their Finances

by Gary Foreman

Getting Elderly Parent to Accept Help with Finances photo

Perhaps you feel your elderly parent is at a point that they need help with their finances. How can you get them to accept help? And how can you better determine if they really need help?

Dear Gary,
My 70-year-old mother lives alone a few miles away from two of her five daughters. She’s fiercely protective of her privacy and independence. However, she cannot handle her money. We think she may have early Alzheimer’s. She’s always been bad with bouncing checks and having the utilities cut off for non-payment. But now she’s much worse. 
She gets a retirement pension that is about three times as much as her normal monthly expenses, but she’s always broke by the 15th of the month. So we’re trying to get control of her money.

Our plan is to open up a new checking account for her pension to be automatically deposited in that she will not have access to. We’re going to change the address on her bills and I will become the bill payer. We’ll give her an allowance of $500 a month for groceries, gas, and other expenses, which I think is very ample for a single person. Whatever doesn’t go for her bills will be put aside for an emergency fund and for future medical bills.

My sisters are all in agreement that something needs to be done. Now we have to get our mother’s cooperation. How do we get our mother to accept help with her finances?
Natalie S.

Natalie’s problem is a common one. As people live longer, more become frail in their later years and need help with their financial affairs.

I’m assuming that Natalie only wants what’s best for her mother. The state can’t assume that. So they write laws to protect the rightful owner of property. In this case, Natalie’s mother. The presumption is that your mom is an adult, it’s her money and she should be able to spend (or squander) it anyway that she thinks is appropriate without Natalie’s approval.

How do you get Mom to accept financial help?

So, the first thing is to get mom’s willing agreement. You’re walking a tight rope. If she’s truly incompetent you might need to force the issue. But, if she’s mentally fit, coercing her is just like stealing her money and her freedom.

If mom doesn’t want to give up control of her money, Natalie would need to go to court and prove that she’s not mentally capable of handling her affairs. In that case the court will appoint a guardian. Even then there’s no guarantee that a relative will become the guardian. And Natalie’s relationship with her mother would probably be seriously harmed.

If mom is agreeable to getting help from her children, the job is much easier. You’ll still need to consult an attorney. This is too important to mess up.

Taking over Mom’s bills

The simplest solution to making sure that bills get paid would be to have one or two children authorized to write checks on mom’s account. Then have the bills sent to the child for payment. Unless a check limit was set at the bank, it would allow the child to write a check for all of the money in the account if they wanted.

Avoid joint accounts. Money in a joint checking account legally belongs to everyone listed on the account. So it’s possible for Mom’s money to be taken to pay for a daughter’s debts.

Should you consider a Power of Attorney?

Natalie could consider a limited power of attorney. That’s a legal document that’s usually drawn by a lawyer. It could allow one or more of the daughters to act on mom’s behalf in certain situations.

The problem with a power of attorney is that banks are wary of them. Because they don’t want to take a legal risk, it’s easy for them to reject a power. That way they avoid taking any chance that they’re honoring a fake power and helping to steal someone’s money. (See What Retirees Need to Know About Powers of Attorney.)

Need to Set Up a Power of Attorney?

If you cannot afford a lawyer, you can find Power of Attorney forms at Nolo.com.

Or a Living Trust?

The most complicated but best legal document for this type of situation is something called ‘a living trust’. A living trust is a document that any competent adult can have created. They can also change it anytime they want as long as they’re alive and still ok mentally. An attorney should write it, but they’re not as complicated as you might think.

Property is placed under control of the trust. In this case probably mom’s checking account and the proceeds from her pension. The trust says how the assets are to be used.

Trustees are allowed to act within the authority of the trust. Mom would be the original trustee. And when she’s not able, a successor trustee(s) would step in and take over for her. Probably one or more daughters. (See Living Trusts and Last Will and Testaments.)

Natalie and her sisters are in a sensitive position. If mom is truly not competent to take care of herself then getting her help is the right thing to do. And loving children would step in.

But being irresponsible doesn’t mean that someone is incompetent. And it doesn’t give others the right to take control of your property. So children would honor their parents by respecting their freedom and giving only the help that the parent requests.

Hopefully, Natalie and her sisters will be wise in striking the proper balance to help their mother.

Reviewed July 2020

About the Author

Gary Foreman is a former financial planner and purchasing manager who founded The Dollar Stretcher.com website and newsletters in 1996. He's the author of How to Conquer Debt No Matter How Much You Have and he's been featured in MSN Money, Yahoo Finance, Fox Business, The Nightly Business Report, US News Money, Credit.com and CreditCards.com. Gary shares his philosophy of money here. Gary is available for audio, video or print interviews. For more info see his media page.

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